My husband turns 30 today…30! I’ll be following suit in a few weeks but that isn’t something I’m quite ready to acknowledge yet. Regardless, it is impossible to believe that this year is here; the year we both turn 30 and have been together for half of our lives. When I did the calculation back in high school it seemed so far away. When I imagined where we would be at this point in our lives it looked different than what has become reality, but, in a lot of the ways, it is what I anticipated. There was certainly no unexpected, life-altering accident with all of the residual effects included in my teenage daydreaming. However there was love, a family, a house and even a dog. But one thing I knew absolutely-without-a-doubt-for-sure was that we would be adults. Yes, at 30 we would definitely be grown ups.
The thing is 30 has arrived and I have a hard time thinking of either of us as adults. My parents, his parents – they are adults! I’m pretty sure three kids and a mortgage (and of course our age) does put us in to the ‘grown up’ category but I’m still struggling to see it that way. I suppose it really doesn’t matter how I see it because we are, in fact, grown ups. My feelings on the matter are inconsequential.
Let me get back to the fact though that today is Ian’s 30th birthday. He is someone who deserves everything the world could offer him but instead he got me and, for whatever reason, seems really happy with that. I most definitely ruined his 29th birthday when we attempted to come out from rehab and celebrate with family. I essentially ended up locking myself in a bedroom and crying until we left. I am determined to scale down the drama just a teeny bit this time around. So instead of attempting to throw his little family party myself, I delegated.
I love to entertain in our home, but now I can only ever pull it off with Ian’s help. Of course with it being his birthday I didn’t really want him to have to be the host as well. I know that an attempt to cook a meal for everyone would have left me locked in a bedroom somewhere crying and, being as that is what I would like to avoid this year, I asked everyone else to cook. I would like to blame my lack of cooking abilities on my spinal cord injury but, admittedly, I always lacked confidence in the kitchen. Either way all I’m making is the cake and I can most definitely handle that!
As for presents, my boys have been pestering me for at least two weeks to get out and go shopping and I, like the epic procrastinator that I am, waited until yesterday. This is partly due to the fact that our lives are busy, but mostly due to the fact that I still get really nervous taking them out on my own. Besides school, it is rare that I venture out alone with my kids (I’m working on it). Now we have presents but they are not wrapped and cards have not yet been made. I get sick to my stomach when I think of all of the things I would usually have the kids get ready for him or the things that I would be more prepared for. It’s like I’m failing at being ‘me’ because that stuff was all very ‘me’.
My husband is the most amazing man that I know and he deserves to be celebrated. He has stumbled many times over this last year and it breaks my heart to know that it stems from my accident. It breaks my heart that his life is forever altered because of mine. I hope that in his dark moments he feels the same unwavering love and support from me that I have felt from him because not once has his faltered. Neither will mine.
Recently I was absent-mindedly searching through old documents on our computer and I found a list. For Valentine’s Day 2012 I typed out a list of reasons why I loved my husband. As I read them back over I had to catch my breath and wipe my eyes dry (which is weird because I never cry). So many of the 50 things I wrote down are still relevant and I was clearly very on point when I wrote them. I decided to include 20 of them in the list below and another 10 new ones to round out my list of 30. 30 reasons why I love my husband on his 30th birthday.
- I love you because you are kind
- I love the way you play with our kids
- I love your integrity
- I love that you can’t hang anything properly the first time around
- I love how easy it is to be with you
- I love your loyalty to me and our family
- I love you for never giving up on me
- I love that I can trust you
- I love knowing that you will always stick with me through the good, the bad and the ugly
- I love that there hasn’t been more than a day in almost 15 years that I haven’t seen your face
- I love that we want the same things out of life
- I love that you have faith in me
- I love your dedication to everything that you do
- I love how much you love our kids
- I love you for holding me when I cry
- I love your selflessness
- I love that you text/call me just to check in so that I don’t worry
- I love that you make me feel appreciated
- I love that you make me feel beautiful
- I love you because you make me feel loved
- I love you for never making me feel like a burden
- I love you for still treating me like an equal parent
- I love you for doing everything in your power to make my life and our life easier
- I love you because you have taken over some things in our life so easily in order to give me time and space to heal
- I love you for being strong when I needed you to be
- I love you for trusting me enough to show me when you were weak
- I love you for all of the physical help you give me without expectation
- I love your ability to slow my tears and make me smile
- I love that in almost 15 years you have never given me a single reason not to love you
- I love that you’re turning 30 before I am
And I am really going to love telling Ian how old he is for an entire four weeks until the fateful day that I join him in the ‘thirties’ category. I suppose we all have to age and I really am grateful to still have the privilege of not only growing old, but growing old alongside my amazing husband.
So Happy Happy Birthday love! I promise to do my best to keep my tears to a minimum this year.